This Is Something Near To My Heart

Life is all about the choices we make.

That's a pretty broad statement to be making when writing about myself as the subject of matter. However, since I am reflecting on myself and the choices I've made in the distant past, choices I've made in the very recent past and choices I'm going to continue to be making until the day I choose to die, I feel okay making a statement I believe is honest for people beyond myself.

Now, there are many ways of going about myself I learned right away were just terrible for me and everyone involved: Stealing most things, recreational drug use, abusing alcoholic beverages, irresponsible sex, being the cheating scoundrel in a relationship, and so on. Some of those decisions I made without ever having to experience the repercussions. Other terrible ways have taken just a little more experience with for me to decide I must do something different: Sexual seduction, knowing what's best for everyone, taking care of an automobile.

And, to the surprise of no one, there are several 'lessons' I've just had the damndest time getting my head around: Being honest, trusting other people, self-approval, paying my bills on time, taking care of myself, believing in my own intelligence/creativity/, self-confidence (many of these just go hand in hand), blowing-out of J.O.B.s/friendships/families/etc.

These are all lessons I've been dealt more often with harder and harder consequences everytime I arrive at them and there are so many more than I can even think to list before this entire entry becomes one giant repository of misdeeds recollected. I guess that wouldn't be too bad, for me at least.

Everything at the J.O.B. went for the a wild ride about twelve days ago. One month had come since I was given the position of 'Warehouse Manager' -- which really included 'Office Manager' in the fine print -- and the promise of a wage evaluation after a one month interum to see how I had handled the duty changes.

I kicked ass.

It was hard to do everything I know needed to get done in the warehouse and do everything required to keep the company moving. I learned how to use their custom-designed indexing program for their inventory, orders and shipping needs. I learned how to interface with UPS Worldship and this custom-prog, while working in Quickbooks at the same time to make sure our physical records matched up with our virtual filing systems. I made sure the orders got pulled, packed, shipped and cleaned out the warehouse of a lot of junk.

I did all of this for a ridiculous wage.

So, a month passed and the review was promising! The big boss guy was very pleased with the way everything had been going and wanted to give me a wage raise of three plus dollars.

However, he couldn't get us the money we'd already earned for the past two weeks on time. It's the first of the month, rent is due. It's the end of the week, the kitchen needs to be restocked and it's the coldest nyc has been all winter, my coworker's kids need new clothes.

This isn't the first time this has happened since I've been there and it isn't the first time this has happened with others who had been at the company longer than I. SO, Friday, the guy just above me and just below the big boss guy in the chain of things is FURIOUS about not getting his money on time. He has this HUGE argument with BBG over the phone, IM, text-messaging; He kicks the vacuum cleaner several times after being called an "ungrateful-cunt" several times by his BEST FRIEND the bbg, because he needs to be paid before going back to england for a couple weeks -- one of my first mistakes, thinking he'd choose anything over his best friend -- and threatening to just stay in england and taking a job with someone else who WANT his services in sales.

The day dissolved.

I was called by the bbg and he tried to give me a story about how we weren't getting our money and I told him it wasn't my problem. My problem was that I wasn't getting paid on time. A pay period which happened the same time -- every two weeks on a friday -- during a financially tight period of the month. I told him I can't work for someone who can't pay me the money I've already earned. I can't afford to. I was angry before the phone call. I knew I was hot, I didn't want to say or doing anything I really truly didn't want to do. I had calmed down considerably before this phone conversation with the bbg and told him exactly what I knew I wanted to convey to him.

I left early on friday, everyone left. Friday dissolved. Everything dissolved.

The weekend came. G and I decided it would be best if I kept my job (with the promised pay raise) and decided to look for a position with someone else while I worked out my last few weeks with bbg and company. Ideally getting a job I liked and paid me on time at a reasonable rate. Friday, I told TopSalesDude I had to wait for the plumber. So, I did. TSD calles me and asks me what happened on friday? I left early. A question mark forms in my heart.

What happened to friday?

He asks me what happened to today (monday)? I remind him about the plumber and he doesn't remember. I tell him it'll be another couple hours before the plumber is here and takes care of things. At this point I still haven't been paid and have made the decision, semi-consciously, that I wasn't going in until I knew I was getting paid. TSD calls me after a couple hours and wonders what's going on. I tell him I don't feel like coming in, it's an hours ride there, I'll be there for a couple hours and then it's an hour back home. Plus I haven't been paid. TSD convinces me I should come in, so I say I'll be there soon. He calls me back and tells me NOT TO COME IN. I ask if he's sure and he says he is. I stay home. I do laundry, the cold feels several degrees below zero (-4) and have an evening.

The next day I go in. I pull posters for an hour and TSD comes in and asks if the other warehouse dude had come in. I say he had and left with his check. TSD says, "I'm surprised he left." and I asked if he was really surprised and that snapped it for TSD. I can feel myself getting hot as I'm typing this. I felt my blood rushing to my head, my body temperature rising several degrees as adrenaline dumped into my system.

I had decided to butt-heads.

TSD reconciled with his bff, the bbg, over the weekend. I was foolish to think he wouldn't. TSD told me to take a seat in the office and I told him I'd rather stand. This went on thirty seconds longer than it really needed to. I was in for a lecture on how good the company was and how much they did for me and how could I betray the pious nature of their "good intentions"

G and I talked a lot about this. I don't think I've ever been in a situation quite like this. I have very few experiences interacting with people confidently in heated debate. What TSD was saying to me was very partially true and a lot of bullshit. However, I was very far from thinking of G and our household's stable ground.

TSD said, "You don't seem very happy here."
"I'm not."
"You know where the door is, then."
"I do."

He continued his lecture about pay raises and upgrade of position and I recanted with a softened cry against the bs.
"There was no pay raise! I was given extra duties in a promotion without a pay raise--"
"Extra duties? Those were duties of the company you work for and expected of you."

I was so hotheaded. I took offense when G said it to me the first time. It's true, though. I walked through the door, took the stairs down to the street and the cold air. Made a call to G immediately.

"J.O.B."

I made a choice. A very shortsighted choice. A choice I've selfishly made several times and this time, of all times, is certainly the most selfish. I kicked myself really hard the first few days in the aftermath. I sulked. I felt as though I were the festering, fly-infested, human waste steaming on the sidewalk and worth much less. It sucked.

I didn't go with my favorite radicals to Philly and play in an awesome sounding puppet theatre benefit. That sucked too.

That's life. Life happens.

This is the most aware I've been of this lesson and it may be the time I let it stick. I'm living for more than just myself and even if I was living for me only, my life is worth considering to give myself a strategical advantage. Life happens. And I can let the situation make my decisions for me, or, I can take a moment -- however brief -- and consider myself.

Among may other things, my life is all about making choices.

No right or wrong. Just choices.

Now, I'm choosing to dust off the old J.O.B. hunting vest, dismantle, clean and rearrange my resume and hit the old road again.

See you on the range.