Old Love

I was flipping through an old journal I have neglected for some time and re-reading some of the entries I've forgotten about. I love those entries I write down that are so whole and from the heart; there haven't been many so honest, from me. I wrote this down late last september in a moment of reflection. Most of what I have written since October 2004 has been centered around a deteriorated romance (which has since grown into a great friendship). This particular entry I've re-read, and will post here, is only different in one way: I said goodbye to that romance.

I've said goodbye a number of times to the romance we shared, together. Those moments were never intended to set myself apart from those days, I realized this with what I wrote here:

9/26/05
I guess it's time I said goodbye.

I've waited along time for this. (One year ten months twelve days)
Never really satisfied with the outcome. You laid me to rest a long time ago and I've just been too stubborn to acknowledge that for myself. I miss you, I really do. And I thought it was a good idea to cling to those moments that have me longing, now, I know I slowed myself down, running on a treadmill in persuit of something and someone no longer associated with my present moments. You are that special (or, I am that delusional) to hold my interest long, after its prime.

I'm willing now. I'm willing to see how young and eager we both were, how easy to love you were, how frightened you were. Beyond the smoke and mirrors, glittering lights, the painted make-up and flashy suits, we found a scared little boy and a broken little girl, just clutching on to one another behind the show-tunes and the rapturous encore.
And I cherish them and I applaud them, also. The courage they've shown to remove the facade and face the music is a remarkable feat, indeed.
That's us. It's our show and always will be. Presented again and again, with each performance greater and more exagerrated than the last. And no matter who plays which character and however the scenery changes, the original drama remains. Played out as simply as life exists.

So, I've come to say goodbye. without the formality and the dread associated with such instances. I say goodbye knowing I will always have our drama to experience, I will always have you to love. And wherever the stars shall find me, I know that you've loved me, too.

I've waited a long time for this
(one year ten months twelve days)
and it's time I said goodbye